What Are My Red Flags? A Self-Check for Your Own Relationship Patterns
Everyone brings patterns into relationships, and some of them make things harder: avoiding conflict, needing constant reassurance, criticising, shutting down, keeping score, or choosing unavailable partners. This self-check helps you notice your own patterns without harsh self-judgement. Recognising them isn't about deciding you're a bad partner; it's about understanding what you might want to change.
How to answer
Think about your current or recent relationships. Answer "often," "sometimes," or "rarely" for each statement.
Conflict
1. I raise my voice or say hurtful things when I'm upset. 2. I go silent or leave when conversations get difficult. 3. I bring up past mistakes during new arguments. 4. I find it hard to apologise.
Communication
5. I expect my partner to know what I need without telling them. 6. I hint or drop clues instead of asking directly. 7. I criticise more than I appreciate.
Trust and security
8. I check my partner's phone or social media. 9. I need frequent reassurance that they still care. 10. I get jealous of my partner's friends or colleagues.
Patterns
11. I'm attracted to people who are unavailable or inconsistent. 12. I lose myself in relationships and neglect friends or interests. 13. I end relationships quickly when things get difficult. 14. I stay in relationships long after I know they're not right.
What your answers suggest
Mostly "rarely": you seem to bring healthy habits to relationships. Keep noticing your patterns, as everyone has blind spots.
Some "sometimes": you have a few patterns worth working on. Pick the one that causes the most trouble and focus there.
Several "often": these patterns may be making relationships harder. That's common and changeable. Individual therapy can be especially helpful for understanding where they come from.
Where patterns come from
Many relationship patterns are learned early: how conflict was handled at home, how affection was shown, whether needs were met. Others come from past relationships. Understanding the source can help you be kinder to yourself while still taking responsibility for change.
How to start changing
- Pick one pattern. Trying to change everything at once rarely works.
- Notice it in the moment. Awareness is the first step.
- Try one alternative behaviour, such as saying "I need a break" instead of storming out.
- Tell your partner what you're working on.
- Get support from a therapist if a pattern feels deeply rooted.
A worked example
Tom answered "often" to questions 2 and 5. He realised he usually shut down in arguments and then felt resentful that his partner didn't understand what he needed. He started practising two changes: saying "I need twenty minutes, then I'll come back," and stating one need directly each week. His partner noticed the difference within a month, and their arguments became shorter and less bitter.
Questions to ask yourself
- Which pattern has caused the most hurt in my relationships?
- When did I first learn it?
- What would I like to do instead?
- Who could support me in changing it?
Being kind to yourself while changing
Self-awareness can tip into self-criticism, which rarely helps. Try to treat your patterns the way you'd treat a friend's: with understanding about where they came from and encouragement to change. Progress usually looks like catching yourself sooner, not never slipping. Noticing that you shut down halfway through an argument, instead of an hour later, is real progress.
Asking for feedback
If you feel ready, ask a partner or close friend: "Is there anything I do in relationships that makes things harder?" Listen without defending yourself, thank them, and take time to reflect before responding. Feedback from people who know you well can show you patterns you can't see yourself.
What are common red flags in myself?
Common patterns include avoiding conflict, criticism, needing constant reassurance, jealousy, and choosing unavailable partners.
Can I change my relationship patterns?
Yes. With awareness, practice, and often support from a therapist, many people change patterns that once felt automatic.
Does having red flags mean I'm a bad partner?
No. Everyone has patterns. Recognising and working on them is a sign of maturity, not failure.
Should I tell my partner about my red flags?
Sharing what you're working on can help your partner understand and support you.
Get your read in 10 minutes
For a personal read on the patterns you bring to a relationship, try a private 10-minute Kionese session.
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