Is Your Relationship Healthy? A Self-Check With 12 Questions
A healthy relationship usually has five things: respect, trust, honest communication, mutual support, and room for each person's independence. This 12-question self-check helps you see how your relationship is doing in each area. It's not a pass or fail test. It's a way to notice what's strong and what might need attention.
How to answer
For each statement, think about the last three months and answer "mostly true," "sometimes true," or "rarely true."
Respect
1. I feel respected, even when we disagree. 2. We speak to each other kindly, most of the time.
Trust
3. I trust my partner to be honest with me. 4. I don't feel the need to check up on them, and they don't check up on me.
Communication
5. I can raise a concern without it turning into a big fight. 6. We can talk about difficult topics like money, sex, and the future. 7. After arguments, we repair and move on.
Support
8. My partner is there for me when I'm struggling. 9. My partner is genuinely happy when things go well for me.
Independence
10. I can spend time with friends and family without problems. 11. I feel free to have my own interests and opinions.
Overall
12. I feel more like myself in this relationship, not less.
What your answers suggest
Mostly "mostly true": your relationship shows strong foundations. Keep investing in what's working.
A mix: some areas are strong and others may need attention. Look at which category has the most "sometimes" or "rarely" answers; that's where to focus.
Several "rarely true": your relationship may be struggling. It's worth talking openly with your partner and considering support, such as couples therapy. If the "rarely" answers involve respect, trust, or independence, also consider whether the relationship feels safe.
How to strengthen weak areas
- Respect: notice and name moments of disrespect calmly; ask for specific changes.
- Trust: consistency over time rebuilds trust; honesty, especially when it's hard.
- Communication: start difficult conversations gently; take breaks when overwhelmed.
- Support: ask for what you need; show interest in each other's lives.
- Independence: protect time for friends and interests, for both of you.
A worked example
Raj and Mia took the self-check separately and compared answers. Both scored high on support and respect, but both answered "sometimes" on communication, especially about money. Seeing it in black and white helped them choose one focus: a monthly money conversation with a simple agenda. Three months later, they retook the check and both answered "mostly true" for question 6.
Questions to discuss together
- Which area feels strongest to each of us?
- Which area would we most like to improve?
- What's one small change we could try this month?
What healthy looks like in everyday life
Healthy relationships are often visible in small, ordinary moments rather than grand gestures:
- Saying thank you for everyday things.
- Asking how the other person's day really went, and listening.
- Disagreeing without name-calling or contempt.
- Apologising quickly when you've been unfair.
- Being glad, not threatened, when your partner has time with friends.
- Feeling safe to say "I'm not okay."
If most of these happen most of the time, your relationship has strong foundations, even through difficult periods.
When to take another look
Relationships change, especially through big life events like moving, having children, illness, or job changes. It can be helpful to repeat a check like this once or twice a year, or after a major change, to notice early if something needs attention.
What makes a relationship healthy?
Respect, trust, honest communication, mutual support, and room for independence, along with the ability to repair after conflict.
Can a healthy relationship have arguments?
Yes. Healthy couples argue; what matters is how they argue and whether they repair afterwards.
Should we take the quiz together?
Taking it separately and comparing answers can be revealing and start useful conversations.
What if my partner and I answer very differently?
That's useful information. Talk about why you each see things differently, with curiosity rather than blame.
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