Is My Relationship Toxic? A 15-Question Self-Check

This self-check helps you look at your relationship over the last three months. It's not a diagnosis; it's a structured way to notice patterns. Answer each question with "often," "sometimes," or "rarely or never." Then read what your answers suggest. If any question about fear, threats, or control applies to you, please read the safety section at the end, whatever your overall result.

Answer for the last three months, not your best or worst day. Patterns are what matter.

How to answer

Think about the last three months, not one particular day. Be honest; nobody else will see your answers. Note how many you answer "often."

The questions

Respect and communication 1. I feel criticised or put down by my partner. 2. My partner mocks me, rolls their eyes, or treats me with contempt. 3. When I raise a concern, it turns into an argument about me. 4. Arguments end without any repair or apology. 5. I feel I can't express my opinion freely.

Control and freedom 6. My partner checks my phone or wants to know where I am all the time. 7. I feel I need permission to see friends or family. 8. My partner controls or monitors how I spend money. 9. My partner gets angry or sulks when I spend time without them.

Feelings and wellbeing 10. I feel anxious or tense when my partner comes home. 11. I've lost confidence since being in this relationship. 12. I often doubt my own memory or judgement after talking with my partner. 13. I feel more lonely in the relationship than out of it.

Safety 14. I feel afraid of how my partner might react. 15. My partner has threatened me, broken things, or hurt me.

What your answers suggest

Mostly "rarely or never": your relationship shows few toxic patterns. Like all relationships, it will have hard moments, but the foundations sound healthy.

Some "sometimes," few "often": there may be problems worth addressing, especially in communication or respect. This often reflects a rough patch, stress, or unhelpful habits that can change with effort from both of you.

Several "often," especially in questions 1–13: this suggests a pattern that's affecting your wellbeing. It's worth talking to someone you trust, and considering whether your partner is willing to change. Individual support can help you think it through.

Any "often" or "sometimes" on questions 14 or 15: this goes beyond toxic patterns into safety. Please read the next section.

If you feel unsafe

If you're afraid of your partner, or they've threatened or hurt you, please contact a specialist service. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. In the UK, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is 0808 2000 247. In an emergency, call your local emergency number.

What to do after the self-check

• Write down two or three specific examples behind your "often" answers.
• Notice whether the problems are recent or long-standing.
• If it's safe, raise one specific issue with your partner and see how they respond.
• Talk to someone outside the relationship.

A worked example

Hana answered "often" to questions 1, 3, and 11. Seeing them together made her realise the criticism wasn't occasional; it had become the background of her relationship. She wrote down three recent examples and talked them through with a friend, who said it sounded much harsher than Hana had described before. That helped her decide to raise it directly with her partner, and to book a session with a counsellor for herself.

Common questions

Is an online relationship quiz accurate?

It can help you notice patterns, but it can't diagnose a relationship. Use it as a starting point for reflection.

What makes a relationship toxic?

Regular patterns of disrespect, control, contempt, manipulation, or fear, rather than occasional arguments.

What should I do if my result is concerning?

Talk to someone you trust, write down specific examples, and consider individual support. If you feel unsafe, contact a helpline.

Can a toxic relationship become healthy?

Sometimes, when the person causing harm takes responsibility and changes over time. It can't be fixed by the other person trying harder alone.

Sources & further reading

1. National Domestic Violence Hotline