When Your Partner Drinks Too Much: What You Can and Can't Do
If your partner drinks too much, you can talk honestly about how it affects you, encourage them to get help, set boundaries to protect yourself, and seek support for yourself. What you can't do is control their drinking. Hiding alcohol, covering for them, or arguing while they're drunk rarely helps. If drinking leads to aggression, danger, or harm to children, your safety comes first.
Signs drinking may be a problem
- Drinking more or more often than before.
- Difficulty stopping once they start.
- Drinking affecting work, health, finances, or responsibilities.
- Hiding or lying about drinking.
- Mood changes, irritability, or aggression when drinking.
- Continuing despite problems it causes.
- You feel worried, embarrassed, or on edge about their drinking.
How to raise it
- Choose a sober, calm moment, not while they're drinking or hungover.
- Describe specific events and their effect on you: "Last Saturday you were very drunk at dinner, and I felt embarrassed and worried."
- Avoid labels like "alcoholic," which often lead to defensiveness.
- Express care: "I'm worried about you, and about us."
- Suggest help: a doctor, a counsellor, or a support service.
Expect defensiveness or denial at first. One conversation rarely changes things.
What tends not to help
- Arguing with them while they're drunk.
- Hiding or pouring away alcohol.
- Covering for them with family or work.
- Taking over all their responsibilities.
- Threats you don't intend to carry out.
Set boundaries
Boundaries are about what you will do, not what you can control:
- "I won't get in the car if you've been drinking."
- "If you're drunk, I'll go to my sister's for the night."
- "I'm not going to call your work to make excuses for you."
Follow through calmly. Boundaries protect you and make the consequences of drinking clearer.
Look after yourself
Living with someone who drinks heavily can be exhausting and isolating. Support groups for families and partners of people who drink, such as Al-Anon, exist in many countries. Talking to a counsellor or doctor can help you think through your options.
Safety and children
If drinking leads to aggression, threats, or violence, contact a domestic abuse service or emergency services. If children are affected, their safety and wellbeing come first; family support services can advise.
A worked example
Sarah's husband had started drinking most evenings after losing his job, and he became irritable and withdrawn. She raised it one Sunday morning: "I've noticed you're drinking every night, and you seem unhappy. I miss you, and I'm worried." He brushed it off. She tried again a week later and suggested he talk to his doctor. She also started attending a family support group, which helped her stop covering for him with his parents. A month later, he agreed to see his doctor. Recovery was slow, but having support for herself made it possible for her to keep going.
When they agree to get help
If your partner agrees to get help, support can include a doctor, counselling, community programmes, or specialist alcohol services. Recovery often involves setbacks; a relapse doesn't mean failure. Your role is to support, not to manage their recovery. Continue looking after yourself and keep your own support in place.
Questions to ask yourself
- How is their drinking affecting my wellbeing, sleep, and finances?
- What boundaries do I need to protect myself?
- Who can I talk to about this, honestly?
- If nothing changes, what will I do?
How do I know if my partner has a drinking problem?
Look for increased drinking, difficulty stopping, hiding drinking, and harm to work, health, money, or relationships.
Can I make my partner stop drinking?
No. You can encourage help and set boundaries, but the decision to change is theirs.
Should I leave a partner who drinks too much?
It depends on your safety, wellbeing, and whether they're willing to get help. Support services can help you think it through.
Where can partners of heavy drinkers get support?
Support groups for families and partners, counsellors, and doctors can all help. Many countries have dedicated helplines.
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